First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes...
Welcome to all of my new followers! A lot has been happening in the news for queer people, especially impacting transgender individuals. According to the ACLU LGBTQ Law Tracker, 430 anti-LGBTQ bills have been proposed in the United States so far this year (ACLU, n.d.). This week, the Kaiser Family Foundation and the Washington Post released their survey of 515 transgender and nonconforming people. You can read the summary here, as well as some of the articles in the Washington Post here:
I plan on going through the data and I hope to discuss it in more depth next week, as it provides some important insight into how nonprofits can support the transgender community.
This week, I want to talk about queering relationships. Often, when we talk about relationships, they are presented as a dyad. A man and a woman/man and a man/woman and a woman. Queer relationships are not always like this, though. Some are non-monogamous, and what that means will be explored later. This means that different types of relationships exist, and nonprofits need to know how to respond to and support those within “nontraditional” relationships in a way that is nonjudgemental and supports the queer individuals with the relationships they feel is best for them.
What romantic and sexual relationships in the queer community should be has been an argument since the modern queer movement (post-Stonewall) started. There have been lots of questions about whether or not monogamy is good for queer couples or if they should envision something new (McWhirter, 1985). This attitude moved towards monogamy during the HIV/AIDS crisis. The younger gay community has been more focused on monogamy or “monogamish” relationships as compared to some of the older gay couples (Lowen & Spears, 2016). The reality is that each relationship is different, and time and place impacts what people want and see as “normal.” By not having to live up to heteronormative standards, many queer couples questioned if they needed to exist within the monogamous framework or create their own rules based on what they want.
Monogamy?
The great thing about queer relationships is that they are not stuck in heteronormative norms. Indeed, queer relationships are more likely to be nonmonogomus than heterosexual relationships (Allen & Mendez, 2018; Schippers, 2016). This can mean a lot of different things, such as:
Open-relationships/open-marriages/Consensual Non-Monogamy: This is a relationship where each person is allowed to have sexual or emotional relationships with other people outside of their relationship. Open relationships look different for each couple, with different rules, negotiations, and discussions. Overall, approximately 3-7% of relationships in North America have some sort of consensual monogamy (Scoats & Campbell, 2022), and it is more common in the LGBTQIA+ communities (Haupert et al., 2017; Levine et al., 2018).
Throuples: This is multiple individuals who are in a relationship, usually focused on three people.
Polyamory: This can look different for every couple but usually means a couple where each person has other intimate relationships (e.g. boyfriends and girlfriends) outside of their primary relationship. This differs from a throuple because, in a throuple, all three people are in a relationship with each other, in polyamory, each member of the relationship has alternate partners as well.
Why should nonprofits care?
You may be thinking: Why does this matter? There are a few reasons:
Nonprofits often support the whole person. That includes their sexual and emotional relationships. Understanding how individuals have multiple sexual and romantic partners means nonprofits can support all parts of an individual.
Nonprofits often ask for one partner on paperwork. Allowing for multiple partners would better match the realities of some queer families.
Queer people sometimes feel judged because of their relationship status. In my research, many people reported feeling judged by nonprofits which leads to hiding information about their relationship(s). In some cases, such with religious nonprofits (this can include homeless shelters and food pantries), queer people will lie about their relationships because they are worried about being denied services. There is also the assumption that just because someone is in a relationship with someone of the same-sex, they are not also having outside intimate and/or sexual relationships with those of the opposite sex, which is part of Bi-erasure (Levine et al., 2018).
Some polyamorous couples are raising children. Being aware and creating paperwork and expectations that help support polyamorous couples can help fight stigma (Klesse, 2019). This means talking to teachers and professionals about children who are raised by polyamorous families and allowing the family to feel welcome.
Conclusion:
The purpose of this week’s newsletter is to help you think about the way you talk about relationships within your organization. With more people considering things such as non-monogamy, and more polyamorous families having children, it is important that the nonprofits understand how they can best support the whole individual in a nonjudgemental way.
References
Allen, S. H., & Mendez, S. N. (2018). Hegemonic heteronormativity: Toward a new era of queer family theory. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 10(1), 70-86.
Klesse, C. (2019). Polyamorous parenting: Stigma, social regulation, and queer bonds of resistance. Sociological Research Online, 24(4), 625-643.
Haupert, M. L., Gesselman, A. N., Moors, A. C., Fisher, H. E., & Garcia, J. R. (2017). Prevalence of experiences with consensual nonmonogamous relationships: Findings from two national samples of single Americans. Journal of sex & marital therapy, 43(5), 424-440.
Levine, E. C., Herbenick, D., Martinez, O., Fu, T. C., & Dodge, B. (2018). Open relationships, nonconsensual nonmonogamy, and monogamy among US adults: Findings from the 2012 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior. Archives of sexual behavior, 47, 1439-1450.
Lowen, L. & Spears, B. (2016). Choices: Perspectives of Gay Men on Monogamy, Non-monogamy, and Marriage. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform
Schippers, M. (2016) Beyond Monogamy: Polyamory and the Future of Polyqueer Sexualities. New York: New York University Press
McWhirter, D. (1985) The Male Couple: How Relationships Develop. Prentice Hall Press