Nonbinary: Beyond a male/female dichotomy
Hello everyone. I had a wonderful Rosh Hashanah and thoughtful Yom Kippur. A fasting holiday which just ended on Monday at sundown, Yom Kippur is a great time to reflect on the past year and think about the future. Overall, it’s been very hectic, but happy to be back to writing the blog.
(nonbinary flag)
While talking with a neighbor recently, was asked about nonbinary identity. My neighbor was a little confused about nonbinary, genderqueerness, and other terms which look at gender beyond just male and female. I thought this might be a good forum to talk a bit about gender beyond a male/female perspective.
In Western society, we often talk about gender as a binary, but not every society is like that. In Judaism we have, traditionally, several genders. PBS has a great map looking at how different cultures see gender beyond male/female. Gender itself tends to be culturally constructed. The way we create and enact gender is specific to time and place; what it means to be male, female, nonbinary, etc. changes. Judith Butler described gender as performative. In her essay “Performative Acts and Gender Constitution: An Essay in Phenomenology and Feminist Theory” (1988), she explains on page 525:
Gender itself can be seen in many different ways, but it is important to understand that the way we portray gender does change. This can help us better understand those who fit gender differently than we are used to; our expectations of gender are based on what we are used to culturally. Baby clothes, for example, are only recently gendered. For a very long time, they were just nongendered white outfits.
So what is nonbinary identity? Basically, nonbinary gender is an identity where you do not fit into the binary. There are other terms which are used in the US, including genderqueer, genderfluid, gender diverse, and agender. There is a growing list of stars who are identifying as nonbinary or genderqueer, such as Sam Smith, Eddie Izzard, and Rose McGowan. This growing understanding and focus on nonbinary identities is wonderful for everyone and allows kids to see the diversity of the world. Importantly, in one generation, we have gone from few nonbinary role models to a diverse array of nonbinary individuals who are proud of their identity and can help younger kids see themselves.
One of the big questions that comes up with nonbinary identities is about pronouns. I always recommend asking people “what are your pronouns?”. It’s as simple as that. They/them tends to be the most popular one but there is also fae/faer, zie/hir, xe/xem. Furthermore, instead of using Mr. or Ms., people may prefer to use the nonbinary word Mx. To make this easier, on intake forms, allow pronouns to be open-ended. I often hear people ask “What are your preferred pronouns”, but I don’t like the word “preferred” in this question because it minimizes people’s identities.
When asking about gender, I recommend asking about more than just male or female. Allow for a nonbinary/genderqueer option as well. Importantly, know the culture you are working with and what the different gender options are. Again, for gender, I like to leave it as an open-ended question. What would be the reason you would need to have gender as either a binary or as a closed ended question on intake forms? Having it open-ended on forms allows people to input the gender they identify with.
Certain nonprofits do segregate by gender (male/female). In these situations, your first question should be is that necessary, or is that something we just do? For example, when Peru did gender-based quarantine during COVID, the response made the government question why and change their path. If there does need to be segregation, ask individuals which they feel most comfortable in.
As we have more open and honest conversations about gender, it is important for your organization to consider how you can make sure that you are creating an environment for people of all gender identities. You will make mistakes, and that happens (as someone who has done diversity work and work in the LGBTQIA+ community for many years, I have made many mistakes), but working towards an organization that supports all gender identities and expressions can make your nonprofit better for everyone.