Queer Parenting: Surrogacy
Hello everyone!
I had a wonderful week with my in-laws last week, which included free babysitting and visiting some vineyards in the area. I love traveling, but being a queer parent can lead to some additional travel stressors. Before I talk about surrogacy today, I wanted to tell a story about an issue we recently had while traveling. First thing you have to know is my son prefers my husband over me. And, like all toddlers, he does not like to be away from his favorite parent. So we were at a rest stop in Connecticut and my husband went to the bathroom. My son (who was about two at the time) flipped the eff out, yelling “I want my daddy!” As his other father, I was dealing with multiple feelings of 1) I have a screaming toddler in a rest stop and this is stressful but 2) considering the way people have been reacting to LGBTQIA+ individuals recently. In this era of anti-queer sentiment and TikTok, people feel more comfortable confronting individuals and creating dangerous situations. One difficulty LGBTQIA+ parents have to face right now is how people will react and if that reaction will put your family in danger.
Surrogacy:
To finish our discussions on queer families, this week we will be talking about surrogacy. Surrogacy is when a woman carries an egg for a family. That egg is usually implanted from another woman. So one woman will have an egg which is fertilized by someone’s sperm, and then it is implanted into a second woman. This is usually a financial agreement, with both women receiving money for their time.
Along with surrogacy, some people may use in vitro fertalization (IVF) as a way to create a family, which is when the sperm and the egg are joined in the lab. For example, a lesbian couple may have a sperm donor and do an IVF treatment. Personally, I know multiple lesbian couples who have had gay men donate sperm and the gay men still are a part of the child’s life to varying degrees. There are often (though not always) legal contacts which spell out the expectations for each person in this relationship. Surrogacy and IVF laws vary by state, and any family thinking of surrogacy should consider consult with a lawyer. Some couples do surrogacy internationally due to their local laws.
There are many reasons why queer parents-to-be may chose surrogacy over adoption or other options, such as wanting a genetic connection to the child or not wanting to go through the adoption process. For each couple, the decision is personal. Following the process, some parents keep in contact with their surrogate and their egg donors, having them be a part of their child’s life.
There are risks and challenges. For example, some places don’t have second parent adoption or can make it hard for the second parent to adopt. Also, if the child is born from a surrogate based outside of the U.S., the State Department has discriminated against the child and the family in getting U.S. citizenship. There are also the issues that all LGBTQIA+ parents deal with, which I touched on here and here.
When supporting a family who is or has gone through surrogacy, a few recommendations. To start, remember that both of the parents ARE the parents. Unless their is a medically required reason to know, it is unnecessary to know who provided what genetics for the child. Furthermore, when supporting a family with surrogacy, help them by providing connections to agencies with a history of working with LGBTQIA+ families. Though most surrogacy organizations work with LGBTQIA+ families, not all do. It is disheartening to try to find an organization for such an important part of your life just to be denied, especially considering how hard it is for LGBTQIA+ individuals to start families. Creating a list of local agencies that work to help LGBTQIA+ people start families can help alleviate some of the stress.
These last few weeks have been just a brief introduction to parenting within the LGBTQIA+ community. While this was not an all-encompassing overview, it should help provide some guidance for how organizations can support queer families. Of course, if you have any additional questions or if there is anything else your organization is dealing with, feel free to ask me. Have a great week!